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Make a decision, or others will; "Where's God?"; Whoosh - Fate Fairies - book version
This entry was posted on 1/10/2012 2:00 AM and is filed under Fate Fairies:Fate Fairies - book version.
The following account delves into one of the darkest times in my life - aside from those encounters with almost kicking the bucket myself from meningitis or blood clots.
My father died in 1988 at 70 years old. I was in Texas at the time and had made a couple trips back to Wisconsin in the last two years of his life to look in on him. He had a lingering lymphoma cancer. Then, he had "slipped into another bad spell" as my mom would say. I hesitated a bit to make the journey yet one more time back to Wisconsin. Sure enough, I hesitated a couple days too long - he died that time.
A dozen years later Heide and I were living back in Wisconsin again. My mom's health began to fail - she too had gotten a cancer. Not wanting to be on the sidelines with her struggle, I became active in her care. And it should be noted, I did not have much of a choice; I am an only child. They don't teach you that in high school. We learned quickly, that if as a family member you do not take action, other not-so-family-affiliated entities will start making decisions for you - lawyers, nurses, doctors, social workers, Hospice people... When she got too frail, we tried to bring her out to our house in rural New Glarus. We learned the hard way, we had plucked her right out of her comfort zone. New Glarus was 40 miles from her caregivers and social network in Janesville. We promptly moved her back home.
About that time, she had become eligible to receive care from Hospice. But, as we learned, they do not do 24-hour care. They do a lot of services, and they were there off and on throughout the day, but evening and night care was up to the family to figure out.
Early on she had hung on in Hospice care and had been able to stay fairly independent and did not necessarily need someone at her house 24-hours per day. In fact for a short time, Hospice was pulled out because her condition leveled off. But about six months later she got the word her cancer was making a come-back. This time she really became frail.
The hammer fell when I was sitting at a four-day Emergency Medical Technician conference over in Milwaukee. I received a page from Hospice. When I called the nurse, I got an ear-full of questions about Mom's condition I had never heard before. She had reached a new level of illness. The nurse began to ask me what actions to take. It was clear I needed to see the situation for myself and left the conference in mid-session.
When I got to Mom's house, it was obvious things had changed, Mom was going to need a special mechanical bed. I ordered one and had it put right in the kitchen for easy access to everything. My nursing assistant, EMT training, and blue collar work had served me a bit well at least - make work as easy as possible.
Also, I noticed that some small decisions had been done in my absence. Mom had been told she was not to go down the stairs, and in-general she was not to go outside or even get near the car. She had loved to drive her little car. It was the consummate story of old age - the loss of freedom. She had a 1990 Chevy Corsica. It is a damn reliable vehicle. She and "advising visitors" were making plans to sell it.
"Hold on," I said. "I'll deal with the car." As I should, as power of attorney. Poetically, I still have the car. The 22 year old work horse is a dandy work car. I think in retrospect, she would be pleased I made such long use of it.
I called Heide. "We got to make a life decision," I said.
Mom had hinted at selling the house. I knew an apartment or nursing home would actually be more expensive to facilitate. The house had been paid for in full for years. In rather short order we decided I would live with and serve as her attendant until she died.
"As power of attorney, you can pay caregivers or even yourself out of the assets of the person to whom you are overseeing," my attorney suggested.
Since I am an only child, I decided not to pay myself. If anything was left after the onslaught of the end-of-life battle, I would get any remaining assets anyway. But, most people lose everything at the end of their lives. The last six months of life are often the most expensive time of an entire life. I did pay a nursing assistant to come in a few nights per week at the very end of Mom's ordeal.
It was incumbent upon Heide and I to at least try to help Mom. Mom and Dad had tried so hard to be frugal all their lives. And they had helped us as best they could get off to a little life together. It would be a shame, we thought at the time, for her to lose all her stuff. And, I will always be haunted that my mom at 68 years old had to care for my dad as he died. Someone should return her the favor.
College was put on hold. I took a leave from my job at "The Y" and also from the emergency medical service.
I moved in with Mom for what ever would be the foreseeable future. Hospice still came of course. In fact, they were relieved. They do not cotton to helping a patient who can not be left alone at all and there is no relatives to make decisions or stay with the person.
"Do you realize what you're getting yourself into?" one of my more thoughtful tech college instructors who was my own age asked. My situation made people my age that still had parents, stand up and take notice.
The teacher's query was prophetic. Heide and I were about to enter one of the most complex and stressful years of our long relationship, and for sure, our entire lives.
Note: This blog "Fate Fairies" - book version Category is a work in progress. The original vignettes are being edited for book form. Go to the Cooldadiomedia Web site and the Fate Fairies Page for an ordered chronology of the book vignettes (chapters).
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