The lifteguard shift I learned the hard way to appreciate and began to perennially sign up for was the early morning.  I was usually there when the joint opened while it was still dark out. 

    There was always a gaggle of old men attempting to do lap swimming in mornings.  Half of them appeared to be octogenarians.  I would invariably cross paths with these old codgers in the locker room.  No matter how secluded I would select a locker, these curmudgeons would always find me and pull up residence next to me, naked as Adam, and claiming the locker next to mine in an otherwise unclaimed row of fifteen empty units.  These old fossils were products of the Great Depression era that frequently queued them in lines at school, at the store, and in the Army. Unbeknownst to them, they had a lot in common with the daycare generation that was now entering the workforce - groups and gaggles was the name of the human interaction game.  Anyway, the old timers would belch and expel flatus and no matter what body part they would move they would groan.  The groaning started at the door to the locker room and geared up to an almost constant chant by the time they had invaded my air space. 

    Sometimes I  would just grab my things in hast and move to another locker but another old bastard would happen though the door groaning and take up the cause, heading right for me.  Heading out to the parking lot after my shift or coming in to pull my shift — usually one minute late and in a hurry — these same old people would be there blocking my pathway.  They would never take the wall of the aisle, but rather would waddle with butts the size of Chevrolets, right down the middle of the common way, causing patrons and staff to have to enter the oblivious world of the very elderly...at zero miles an hour.

    Once when pulling my beloved early shift, one of the old buggers that came in every morning and took 45 minutes to paddle one lap, stepped over me while I sat on the warm floor along the pool with my back to the wall.  He for sure must have been in the octogenarian crowd, maybe even 90.  I could always hear him coming because he had flat feet and I knew as soon as the locker room door opened who was coming - "flip-flop-flip-flop-flip-flop."  The Old Bugger stopped just after he stepped over me, farted, turned, and asked, “Hey man, I been thinking; can you actually fuck’n swim? Cause all you do is sit around on your god-damned ass.”

    In 2000 my blood condition flared up bad and I lost the use of my right leg.  In fact, at technical school I had to use a wheel chair. But, I came in to work so early, I would hobble in on crutches and tuck them next to the lifeguard chair.  Remarkably, for almost a year few people noticed I even had them.  And with the lap swim crowd I did not have to walk the pool area.  And poetically, I did not lose the use of my leg under water.  So if I had to change a lap line or go to the other side of the pool, I just slipped into the water and no one was the wiser.

    One day Old Bugger came flipping and flopping down the pool-side walk area. He stopped, farted, and said, "Hey, man, I've been thinking; how the hell you gon'a save me with those crutches; you can't even fuck'n walk."  

    I had forgotten one of my young colleagues had come in to take his shift and was just coming out of the lifeguard office.  Without skipping a beat, young dude said to Old Bugger, "Them's floating crutches sir.  They're  made special for lifeguards." 

    Old Bugger tilted his head, rubbed his chin, and thought for a moment.  He glowered at us both and finally said, "You two idiots are full of shit."  He turned, farted, and flip-flopped to the end of the pool.  

    Note: This blog "Jobs of Bob" Category does not list the jobs chronologically - I write about the experiences as they pop up in my memory and I often revisit an older job.  Go to the Cooldadiomedia Web site and the Jobs of Bob Page  for an ordered chronology.

                      Wisconsin Military Service Person Special Mention of the Week
    (each week Cooldadiomedia mentions a Wisconsin service person killed in Iraq or Afghanistan)

    Lance Corporal Andrew Gary Matus, 19, Weyerhaeuser (CNN.com lists his as from Chetek), Wisconsin, USA, was killed while conducting combat operations on Sunday, January 21, 2007 in Ar Rutba in Anbar province, Iraq. Matus was assigned to Company E, Battalion Landing Team 2nd Battalion, 4th Marine Regiment, 15th Marine Expeditionary Unit (Special Operations Capable), I Marine Expeditionary Force out of Camp Pendleton, California. The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel mentioned Andrew enlisted in the service on his 17 birthday. Matus played football in his sophomore year was said to also enjoy weightlifting, mechanics, hunting and fishing. Two of his favorite lakes were Potato and Two Bears. He collected antlers from deer he had bagged and liked both bow and rifle hunting. The paper went on to say he was named technology education student of the year in 2005 and was remembered as an innovative repair person. The Military Times noted a colleague Andrew's observed the mechanical oriented Matus was well suited for the harsh conditions of western Iraq. Family is quoted as saying his childhood name was "Pork Chop" but later developed muscles and became athletic in high school. Wisconsin Senate Joint Resolution 77 noted Andrew Matus was born on September 14, 1987, in Rice Lake, Wisconsin. Matus was a 2005 graduate of Weyerhaeuser High School in Weyerhaeuser, Wisconsin. The Resolution stated that at the time of his death Lance Corporal Andrew Matus was survived by his parents, Gary and Donna Matus of Chetek, Wisconsin; and, his sister, Amanda Matus of Denver, Colorado. Andrew Matus was the 69th Wisconsin military service person killed in Iraq since the spring of 2003. 

         As of this blog entry's posting date:

    98,380 Iraqi civilians have been killed in Iraq since Spring, 2003.
    
    9,744 Iraqi Security Forces have been killed in Iraq since Spring, 2003.

    4,431 Americans have been killed in Iraq since Spring, 2003. 

    1347 Americans have been killed in Afghanistan since October, 2001.

    318 Coalition soldiers have been killed in Iraq since Spring, 2003.

    824 Coalition soldiers have been killed in Afghanistan since October, 2001. 

    31,967 U.S. troops have been wounded in action in Iraq since Spring, 2003. 

    8,825 U.S. troops have been wounded in action in Afghanistan since October, 2001. 

    102 Wisconsin soldiers have been killed in Iraq since Spring, 2003.

    24 Wisconsin soldiers have been killed in Afghanistan since October, 2001.

    144 journalists (several nationalities) have been killed in Iraq since Spring, 2003.

    21 journalists (various nationalities) have been killed in Afghanistan since October, 2001.

Wisconsin military service person special mention of the week, military casualty, and journalist casualty information sources: Committee to Protect Journalists; cnn.com; Milwaukee Journal Sentinel; washingtonpost.com; thehighground.org;  Wisconsin Department of Veterans Affairs; iraqbodycount.org; www.defense.gov/news/casualty.pdf; and, icasualties.org. 

 

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